


I AM NOT A SEX GOD

by UsagiSnow



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Breaking the Fourth Wall, F/F, F/M, Humor, If you get offended easily please for the love of God read this!, Lots and lots of tags because I am a walking contradiction, M/M, Parody, Romance, and lots and lots of dry butt sex, umm my tags are litterally a summary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-09-03 14:16:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8717062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UsagiSnow/pseuds/UsagiSnow
Summary: Horny Cross dressers, Huge ass oceanic teal irises, supple bottoms, turning main characters into dogs cause I can , And everything went black, So overly angst that its a crime, Dont touch me because im a mysterious yet difficult person but somehow that only makes you want to talk to me more, Tan, tanned, and even tanner skin that could almost pass for a black man, Im the alpha and you're the annoying raging typical black woman... oh never mind just an omega, My whole family burned in a fire because of Uncle in front of my very eyes but right before they died they all told me they hated me, Yummy six packs and clean assholes galore, I know you hate me but I hate me even more, Maybe you will be the shed of light into my life, Oh never mind it was just the sun, I like angsty heavy metal because im a grown ass man stuck in a state of an overly emotional teenage boy but my face tells nothing, I met him only five seconds ago and that already makes us star crossed lovers that go through centries of trial and error,  If we were in highschool I'd be the sexy jock and the brat would be the loser that no one talks to and his father touches him, everyone finds me terrifyingly intimidating yet im only 5'3.





	1. Chapter 1

INTRODUCTION

 

Hey you little fucking brats Levi here, gonna catch you up on the 411, the 911 emergency, the suicidal hotline, So UsagiSnow hasn't written this chapter yet, I know what a fucking cunt right? Sorry if I have offened anyone's coveted vagina. Anyways I'll teach that brat a hard lesson. I'll make her write faster and faster and harder and wetter... oh wait we don't want a wet paper now do we my fellow readers? Sorry that fucking auto correct makes me talk dirty, thats not the real me... or is it ;). 

Okay you can run along now. Play nice and like this fic. And if you don't UsagiSnow will just laugh at you and then she'll erase me and my entire existen... wait.... oh fuck

 


	2. Eren Fucking Jaeger is a weirdo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Highly offensive fic if you already decided to not read the summary of this fic. You've been warned.

_A few things came to mind when I fell upon my many of fan's collection of written fan fiction of me the other day_

_  
1\. Apparently I always make this retarded eye thing where I'm glaring, eyes seeped like an angry Chinese boy, and an intimidation of a man who in my mind sounds 6 foot fucking 3. Really... what in the fuck am I supposed to do to Erwin fucking Smith's big tree ass._

_Lower your expectations_

_2\. Apparently pure fucking Logic is just thrown out the Goddamn window. For some reason Eren is always calling me instead of the fucking cops when rapists and murders decide to come out to play. Please leave a message to no one is coming to get you Eren._

_Where's your God now._

_3\. Brat, shitty brat, shitty glasses, shitty goggles, four eyes, kid are the farthest my vocabulary will ever seem to reach. And the porn, oh how I apparently enjoy telling the poor kid to shut up and take it while going in dry, no lube... how about no thank you._

_4\. I'm edgy... like listen to heavy metal and slit my wrist occasionally before bed time kind of edgy. I hate myself so I treat everyone else like a piece of shit because deep down I'm just a sad little boy who's father probably was negligent... typical._

_5\. We get it I'm a germaphobe. I like getting on my hands and knees and scrub like Mr. Fucking clean. We don't need to narrate six fucking paragraphs of how much I find the world dirty and then I somehow relate that as a self reflection of my true myself. ..... its really not that deep._

_I could honestly go on and on about myself but my God the person who really gets the short end of every fucking stick including my cock is Eren fucking Jaeger._

_The poor kid is always getting raped and beaten by his God damn father, such a cop out backstory, and then his family is getting burned alive before his very eyes, the usual._

_Apparently dead bodies smell like bacon...._

_I'm also a huge fucking prick to him, and yet he's all the sudden believing we're star crossed lovers due to my hypnotic body, translucent skin that even an ejaculation couldn't compete with and and yet again those angry seeping Chinese boy glares._

_And then there's the painter Eren, fucking God damn painter Eren painting his sorrows into color palettes of grays and blues and shit. Until yet again I come into his life and he starts grabbing for the yellow._

_Don't make it gay Eren_

_And the newest trend that has come to date, the omega Eren. Dear God omega Eren sounds like a tyrant black lives matter movement billboard or some walking offended Tumblr post._

_So that means half of you are already offended at this point..._

_First let me elaborate_

_Eren Jaeger and I, the great Levi Ackerman are in the current hit drama series Lucid. We were highly sought after, with our still airing current hit series over seas called Attack on Titan. Lucid, a North American television series has been number one on prime time television for the last three years and fan girls have been shipping the main two characters, "us" since my first appearance which was around season one episode fucking nine. Our ship is the main reason we've been reaching such skyrocketing levels and raving reviews however I guess I'll give the well written scripts some credit here and there too. For this series My character's name is Liam and Eren's character is Kipp. We are a part of a lucrative underground forensic team that hunts our targets through lucid dreaming. The first season was our most hyped like how most series go, with Kipp in search of finding who had killed his wife._

"Levi you're on set in three, two, one."

 **Liam** : **"Where's kipp?!"**

 **Murderer suspect number 1** :Is tied up with hands bound to the chair behind his back.  **"Do you know where hell is Liam?"**

 **Liam** : Liam kicks the bottom hem of the murder suspects seat. **"I don't think you heard me right the first time.... WHERE THE FUCK IS KIPP?!"**

 **Murder suspect number 1** : His teeth of a metallic crimson along his mouth ran rapid down his chin.

**"A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him."**

**Liam** : I presumably sigh before pulling out my gun, stuffing the gun inside his mouth like how you would with a nice big cock. I pull the trigger instantly as quickly as I put it away.

_The fans love Liam, his patience is as incredibly short as a black single mother taming her child inside a grocery store._

_There is none._

"And scene! Perfect! Magnifique!" 

_Shitty--- I mean the genderfluid... being?.... fuck I give up, it's fucking Hanji. Woopdi doo big fucking surprise that Hanji turns out to be the essentric spastic director of a television series._

"Eren is still getting his makeup done, do you mind getting him for me?"

"Sure."

I walk over towards the actor's folding chair within his dressing room, a younger woman with no hair, _must be nice_ , padding powder all over Eren's structured frame.

"Eren."

His face remained composed and still only humming in response.

"Hanji's ready for you on set."

"Hmm." He calmly hums once again.

Eren was never very communicative at work or on set. He was always doing his chi meditation bullshit, you know getting into his zen, is what he usually likes to call it.

"Okay..." I simply answer out loud, awkwardly, before heading back towards Hanji.

"He said hmm."

"The usual." Hanji closed her eyes, lips curving upwards somewhat. "He's still getting into character I see."

"I guess..." I answer vacant.

"Then we shall proceed until Eren is fully ready!" Her claws filed towards her neck exasperatedly.

"Moblit fetch me my coffee!"

_Yep Moblit's still her predictable little bitch._

"Yes Mam!"

"Levi we're thinking of changing a few things later in this scene."

"Alright." I answer, hands complacent against my hips and eyes dead as a... a dead roach I guess.

"So we're going to make this scene "pretty gay." Hanji first noted towards the changed script.

"Are the quotation marks really necessary?" 

Hanji loves portraying me as someone with psychopathic tendencies who also has an obsession with the character Kipp, which makes the fan girls pussies run wild apparently.

_Whatever pays the bills_

"I'm sure you don't mind." She cackled.

_Yes cackled._

_Shivers_

"Hanji not today."

"But I wrote this scene especially for you darling."

"You wrote it for the horny fan girls that get all hot and bothered."

"Killing two birds with one stone my dude." She threw her hands up.

My eyes bore into her before I spoke. "... Tell me if Eren says anything about it."

"Roger." She sent a villous wink and patted my shoulder.

Hanji then swarmed over towards the actor's chair inside the dressing room where Eren was getting "pampered."

"Eren." She called lowly, unsure if she was interrupting his fucking chi.

He slowly opened his eyes, irises going blank like an empty shell.

"He's ready!" She squealed and skipped back along the set while Eren was calmly strolling, inaudibly and still. His expression unreadable and movements lax.

I look through my peripheral, palms still leaning on both hips. I watched as Hanji explained the major changes within the later scenes of this episode.

His expression never wavered, no glint or enticement in his eyes nor grimace and disgust.

"Alright Eren you just found out the where bouts of your son after searching for him the entirety of this season, he is literally on the other side of the locked room your in. You can hear his voice calling for daddy once he hears you, it's a very emotional scene."

Eren's eyes bored towards the ground, gaping and widening with horror and unpleasantry.

She whispers to the man who controlled the lighting, tinkering with the sound and remaining background of the filthy and erratic room.

Eren was being placed into position. His body already acting in a limp like state with blood that cohered down his head and a face that looked almost vile against his still horrid expression. He was told to crouch in the very corners of the room.

"And action!"

 **Kipp's son** : **"Daddy?"**

Kipp's head creaks almost hauntingly, his bottom lip quivering before slowly placing his ear against the thinning wallpaper.

 **Kipp** : **"...Elijah?"**  Kipp called with hoarse tones. His body sliding over as orbs finally watered.

 **Kipp** : **"Elijah, Elijah, Elijah!"**  His voice croaked.

 **Kipp's son** :  **"Daddy! Daddy are you there?"**

Irrational breathes suddenly clarify and proceed while Kipp stumbles for proper balance.

 **Kipp** : **"Elijah! Daddy's here!"** He clawed at the placid walling.

Kipp's next scene was to scrawl, heavy patters of attempted running as he rammed his entire side into the entry that was locking him in. He kicked erratically, full of destruction and coerce.

 **Kipp** : **"Fuck!"** Kicks with irruption. **"Fuck!"** Kicks with more disturbance and invasion. His head now bashing against the door, his motions erratic, unstable like how a father who loves their child to the ends of the Earth should react.

 **Kipp's son** : **"Daddy don't hurt yourself."** Kipp could hear the sweet high tones of his little boy.

 **Kipp** : **"Elijah, Daddy's going to get you out of there!"**

 **Kipp's** **son** : **"My arms hurt."** Elijah muttered before groaning uncomfortably.

Kipp's teeth clenched and seethed violently, his eyes running rapid for anything to help prompt the entry open. "It'll be all right Elijah, just keep talking to me."

 **Kipp's** **son** : **"** **I love you Daddy."** There it was again, those precious tones of innocence and purity.

Kipp's eyes squeezed, fist clenched to his chest, and tears that collided into sobs produced almost seamlessly. **"I love you more than anything in this whole world Elijah."**

 **Kipp's son** : **"I know Daddy."**

Kipp could hear his four year old son, carefully and calmly listening to his father's powerful words.

 **Kipp** :  **"Elijah... Daddy's going to do bad things to get to you."** His irises suddenly left the life that once were vibrant with passion and rage.

 **Kipp** : **"Daddy needs you to understand that sometimes you have to do bad things for the ones you love."**

 **Kipp's son** : **"Daddy's going to be a super hero and beat the bad guys..."**

 **Kipp** : **"That's exactly right Eli..."** His chests rises and falls, shaking and unnerving, as if Eren had practiced the powerful and irrational breathing techniques just to prompt the scene to feel as realistic as possible.

"And scene!"

"Absolute brilliance my child absolute brilliancy!" Hanji praised.

Eren was left unmoving and stilled, his eyes a blanket of abyss, follicles dangling from his eyes as if he were still running through the current motions of a distraught parent.

I simply walk over, ladling a blanket that was prepared behind the camera's angles over him, my eyes keenly watching while closing its edges towards his chest.

Eren was still playing his role. And when their were agnatic scenes such as these I was always more concerned then I probably should have been. I ruffled my fingers through his hair but with precaution not to over bear with words or questions.

Eren was simply an amazing actor. He was more committed than most, actually becoming the part then just reading the lines with cascading eyes. Rather than simply just "playing" the part.

Right now in this very moment Eren was Kipp Wilkon, a doting and loving father and widow who would cross hell and high water for his family.

Liam was his emotional stability, the person who taught him how to fight back and protect his loved ones once they crossed paths in season one. Kipp and Liam had a very odd and extremely close relationship. Liam loved Kipp, without words to convey how strongly he felt for the man.

Fans lost their fucking Goddamn mind's on Tumblr. Screaming their head's off when Hanji had finally revealed into season three's mid season on twitter that Kipp and Liam are undisclosed and are officially canon. She wanted to wait until the show skyrocketed to extreme ratings, so networks were unwilling to take it down do to our loyal fanbase.

But Kipp was always put in an oblivious and an unaware state towards Liam's intensity and intentions of obsession towards him. Though EXTREMELY subtle their moments were when together, true pussy drenched fans were able to see right through it. Its lack of _hey Im a man and I like another man_ premise is what even I could appreciate most about this script. How we were just two people, two humans on this Earth with one that yearned strongly for the other.

Kipp had shown dragging eyes and pressed fore heads against my character mounds  
of times before, how viewers spouted that Kipp was already and unknowingly madly in love with Liam. One scene we had four episodes back were with Liam brushing his knuckles towards Kipp's hand before clutching tightly. Kipp looked downward, confused but unfazed before he made a joke of how Liam was such a child like his son.

_This was dangerous_

_How oddly close Hanji was writing her inspirations from my reality._

"Levi!"

I nearly jumped causing my hand to compress firmer than usual towards Eren's tattered head.

"Sorry..." I mumbled lowly for only him to hear.

He was non responsive as usual.

She clung to my forearm, grabbing me harshly off set.

"Hanji what?" I ask sharply.

"We're going to do the changed scene now."

"Now?" My eyes shot aback and unprepared.

"Mm hmm" she hummed.

"I-I'm not ready..."

"Yes you are."

My eyes barely rose, my peripheral looked up towards her, chilling and nerved I was becoming.

"Now get ready we'll be airing in five, I already told Eren about the details earlier so he will be ready by then as well."

"...Alright."

I bit my thumb until the tips of my skin peeled, as I paced back and forth.

I loomed over watching Hanji also speaking to the young boy who played Elijah. She was probably prepping him and telling him to simply ignore Eren before and after we film our next scene. The young child nodded, chubby cheeks ensued and eyes complacent and serious.

_Children are unknowingly very grown in this industry_

Within the last ten minutes of our recording episode I save Kipp's child with Kipp eventually finding and figuring his own way out. My arms clinging to the small body that belonged to the person I loved most. Elijah clung to my neck, quiet as he could ever be with a ball of hair nuzzled into my crook. It was snowing, light frolics of snow petals falling with artificial snow blowing against the massive fans behind us.

Liam and Kipp struggled catching balance on either side of the landscape that was covered in slush. My eyes probing and longing, growing soft towards the figure that was Kipp.

Kipp's eyes also drooped, his lips curling into a dazzling smile from afar.

_It was unbearably lovely._

We stumbled like old men reaching to each other. His arms almost flailing while mine gripped the love of his life.

"And cut!"

Hanji clenched to her chest, knees bent before she released an erratic growl.

"Fucking hell!"

"Is something wrong?" I ask.

The young boy that was clutched within my arms also raised his head silently.

"Its too Good." She heaved against her director's seat.

I dared to turn back, facing Eren up close now, his facade still extremely barren up close. It almost scares me of how far in depth Eren would go to not really find any attachment to reality. His irises remain frozen before Hanji presumed with action.

And within a matter of milliseconds they brewed into the most budding and fantastical orbs I could have ever witnessed. My heart clearly and really racing. The dote in those teal colored eyes. They leaked and fell down his cheek, his arms barely and tediously grabbing for his son's back. I inhale and exhale the mist that feathered through our crew's creations. My breath getting caught, my eyes lollingly and earnestly following his every verbatim.

 **Kipp** : **"Elijah."** He simply breathed. A waver of calm falling over his world as fingers seeped into his son's head full of hair. His other forearm cupping his bottom, hugging with zealous remedy.

 **Kipp's son** : **"Daddy, D-Daddy's sidekick saved me."**

Kipp kissed and pressed lips firmly into soft baby like skin. He inhaled his son's scent with his nose compressing into Elijah's cheek as if it were his last.

 **Kipp** :  **"No... Daddy's hero saved you."** He swayed and bounced his son, still hugging him tightly. Combing his hair as if the moments he were living were only futile and surreal.

 **Kipp's son** :  **"D-addy's hero? Daddy has a hero too?"**

Liam's eyes soften exponentially, knowing well as Kipp compressed his cheek against his son's while eyes laid prominent and solely on me. His luster that reflected the still streaming tears never left my gaze. His boring stance finally leaving first with a child like demeanor falling in pursuit. He smiled at me, with his sanctuary in his arms.

 **Kipp** : **"Liam."** Kipp called. My eyes sander.

_Shit this isn't in the script!_

His hand reaches out, cupping my cheek reverently. And I blush, my eyes slightly widen towards the unknown actions Kipp was doing to me.

He glided and slid, grazing my cheek that was compressed into his palm as if I were going to disperse at any given moment.

 **Kipp** : **"Thank you... for saving me."** The most wondrous and open mouthed smile I've not only ever seen Kipp make, but Eren fucking Jaeger make as well startled me into a combustion of pure bliss. I was losing sense of fictional and reality. I was entranced, my eyes going soft once again as a sheltered smile played along the curve of my lips.

My mouth barely slid into the palm of his soft inner hands, my eyes now drooping into complete euphoria.

I was forgetting

Forgetting that I was even playing a part

A role

A fictional tale

Kipp suddenly pulled me in with his son still within his hold, clutching onto me while his forehead buried into my crook with Elijah also absorbed in between us.

He pressed fingers into my head firmly as if he wanted to absorb Elijah and I within his grasp.

Kipp now pulled back barely, pressing his forehead into mine lackadaisical.

_Lines_

_What were my lines again?_

_Did I have any lines?_

"Cut!"

My body once again jumped out of its skin from Hanji's call.

Eren immediately slid his tangent fingers from my hair, creating an unfavorable absence for me while his face once again ran unmoving and emotionless.

"I forgot my line." I barely but audibly admit.

"I know that's very odd for you."

"But I like it, I like it a lot!"

"It's more... how do you say... natural."

"Natural is natural Hanji there's no other way around of saying it but natural." I coerced.

"And besides there's a reason why I forgot my damn lines in the first place." I bind my teeth firmly.

"And what is that?"

"You know what that is. You flipped the script, you had Eren go on improve didn't you."

"Hmm maybe something along the lines of that per say."

"So... he did that on his own accord?"

"I gave him a little nudge and some suggestive direction. So half yes half no. But it worked, the honest and purest reaction we got from you was worth it. It was all real in those fleeting moments we were recording right?"

My cheeks a mixture of fluttering heat crawled down to my neck.

"Was Eren in on this too?"

"Oh no silly, Eren assumed you had the same exact script."

A sigh of relief caught me, my hands complacent on bending knees.

"Don't do that kind of shit to my heart you damn hag."

_See I didn't use four eyes this time._

"Everyone did great today."

Hanji headed towards Eren, hand complacent along the curve of his shoulder.

"You especially did great as always Eren." she ruffled at his hair before heading towards the other background actors.

It was just me and Eren now.

Eren stood there and I just watched.

_No really, that's all we literally did_

_I swear my lazy eye was drooping on its own at some point_

After several minutes of no plot progression I use my index finger and thumb to tug at his sleeve, pulling him somewhat to at least get him moving.

"Go change." I escort him into his dressing room before I headed into mine.

I sigh once I throw my body back into the black leathered couch that was my domain.

I pulled out my tablet from my bag, typing and clicking on every possible social media app I could find.

Despite my appearance of aloofness

I'm actually a Tumblr thieving whore

An Instagram slinging cock sucker

A twitter baiter

A Facebook wannabe

A snap chatting... wait I don't fuck with snap chat

I resurface the many of tumblr and Instagram pictures of Eren and I, doing ungodly  
things in ungodly positions, liking and reposting simultaneously.

My dick size is apparently a montage of epic proportions and Eren well, I never said I actually had a problem with these pictures to begin with....

@Erenisbae Ahh but did you see the way Eren was looking at Mikasa in the most recent episode AOT?

My eyes scanned the current Instagram post of the most recent episodes of season 2.

I hardly make an appearance this year, so all fucking season I've been having to see and deal with bat shit MikaEren bitches clinging to anything and everything they can out of desperation.

@Ereriiforever Eren x Levi is a more believable ship then this monstrosity. I type underneath her post.

@Erenisbae So I'm guessing you're a pedophile... The blogger replied.

_Tch bitch._

I go by the account Ereriisforver

_Yes_

_I know typical basic ass username..._

_Im lazy sue me_

Oh or was it the fact the I am also a part of the so called fujoshi community of Ereri/Riren shippers.

_Plot twist_

Ereriisforever, when are you going to update the next chapter?!

I skim through my emails pulling up my notes with my still incomplete chapters for my self proclaimed fan fictions called Sweet Endeavor and Pixie Dust. 

Ereriisforver, please update Sweet Endeavor it's my favorite!

Hey Ereriisforver, when are you going to delve more into your Kipp x Liam fic, Pixie Dust.

If only things were as simple as fanfiction

_No Eren doesn't ever look my way_

_Drooling at my barely 5 foot 3 stature_

_He doesn't find my aloofness mysterious nor my attitude enticing_

_He doesn't follow me like some goddamn puppy nor is treated as if he were condemned with illiteracy._

_He doesn't have an awful childhood where I could easily be the prince charming that'd swoop him off his feet_

_His mother and father are well and alive and actually I don't know are being a fucking parent._

_And no Eren is not a horny preggo my eggo omega that is miraculously able to birth children._

_Huh... I should actually look more into that_...

Despite the many of times where I shamelessly jack off to a 14 year old's first ever written fan fiction where there English is barely sub par

_Look I'm desperate don't judge me_

"He starts to finger his asshole generously."

_No_

"Levi pins Eren down towards the couch along the corridors of the living area."

_No that doesn't even get my dick hard..._

For me being such a vulgar kind of man

My fan fictions are surprisingly

Fluffy...

_Levi brushes his knuckles against Eren's, hushly and feverish, wanting nothing more than to make contact of anything and everything that was his being at the very least._

_Eren looked at me of the usual confused and child like face he'd normally make._

_"Levi your such a child." He giggles_

I sigh before sinking into my couch even further, swearing the mounds of cushioning would swallow me whole.

Ereriisforver, I really adore this beautifully written fic, I do hope they eventually get to make love in the near future.

I don't write smut it's not really my thing

That's not true

I want to

But I can't

The sex God everyone portrays me as, is clear fictional, nothing even remotely close to the real thing.

At one point in my life I even convinced myself that I was purely asexual since I never grew to love nor contain sexual desire for anyone before Eren.

Apparently Tumblr nazis prefer to deem me as a...

_what was it again?_

_I'm gonna google this shit_

_Wait for it_

_Oh..._

_That's right_

_A Demisexual_

One who only experiences sexual desires through emotional connection

Fuck might as well go with gray sexual too while I'm at it

_No seriously there's a fucking color wheel for your sexuality these days_

Since I rarely seem to experience sexual desire for the mass majority of the human race anyways.

_This is stupid_

I'm not going around telling people that I'm some colorless unicorn, pegasus Demisexual. It even sounds stupid in my head.

_Imagine if I had actually said that out loud._

Anyways I have three fan fictions in the works at the moment my first two growing hugely popular within a decent amount of time.

I also have 13,000 pictures of Ereri/Riren fan art on my phone.

_Thats not unusual_

And I've bookmarked every doujinshi of us I could add into my collection.

@Honeybunches Ughh Eren and Levi ship is fucking gross

@Ereriisforever You're fucking gross Miss honey bunches of chlamydia I reply under an anonymous forum.

Eren and Levi are the most beautiful ship in the fucking world bitch an anonymous replied.

@Ereriisforever Go get some dick in your mouth Felicia and stay quiet.

I reply underneath my fellow Anonymous comrade.

I eventually proceed to head back over to my Facebook page.

@Ereminisotp Did you guys here the announcement this past weekened?! Armin and Eren are going to star in their own movie together! *Squeals*^_^

@Idontcare Wait seriously?!

@Yaoitrash Holy fucking shit and it's called Infinite Humiliation

@Fluffycats This shit looks hilarious

@Ereminisotp I know right I can't believe these two babies are doing an action comedy together!

@Butterfly21 Gahh this is like a dream!

@Moshimoshi Oh God I totally ship them too!

@Idontcare Ughh well I ship them as a strong bromance

@Moshimoshi No their love is more precious and real then Levi's

@Idontcare Yeah... now that I think about it, does Levi even love Eren that much?

@Moshimoshi Hmm I definitely think Armin loves and treasures Eren so much more.

_Wow... my own fandom is fucking betraying me in a matter of seconds_

_Doubting my love_

_I shall dub thee fandom now_

_Betrayous!_

_You fools latching on to anything that's new_

_I'll show those pussy drenchers whats fucking up_

I push myself from my glassware table, throwing my coat on and grabbing for the remainder of my brainwashing devices before slamming the door behind me.

I by pass the setting crew breaking certain equipment down, and by all the dressing rooms down the hall, names plastered with our supporting cast of actors and actresses of Lucid.

I finally see Eren, alone walking at an incredibly slow pace, hands in pockets while his face appeared detached and still unreadable.

"Hey."

I push him from his back, his legs tumbling forward until his left foot compressed against the graveled streets of the outside world. Finally we were leaving the entirety of the studio building.

His eye lids rose, his body jumping minuscule before turning back towards me.

"Levi, why did you push me?" Eren asked in a calming and very familiar manner. His eyes were docile, alive in its lovely shade of green.

_You thought I wasn't going to talk about his eyeballs didn't you?_

_Guess I'm a basic bitch_

_If I could humanly lick those goddamn eyeballs I totally would_.

"You were leaving me."

"... I was? Oh sorry, I didn't mean too."

"I know."

"Where do you wanna eat?" I presumably ask.

"Hmm I want pho."

"Again?"

He nods his head with lips closed and a soft smile.

_Fucking precious_

"I want brisket and rare eye round beef, flank steak and meatballs in mine."

Eren looked up towards the sky, twirling lazily in circles.

For one thing Eren was odd

Definitely fucking odd

"Lava!" He spouts.

_Fuck_

Eren points towards the very ground we were standing on. His eyes dilating with calculation.

He turned to his left, running towards a street pole, legs jumping and knees hiked to his chest while lanky arms hugged its stem with resolution.

I swayed on swift motion unable to find my escape.

"Five... Four...Three... Two..."

_Fucking shit!_

"One."

I slid my body across the hood of a parked taxi cab. My fingers clenching its ends while my legs didn't even bother to dangle.

"Wow Levi I'm impressed, I see you've improved."

_Fuck this game_

"What did I tell you about surprising me like that?" I push off, walking back towards the now emerging sidewalk.

"But that's the point of game." Eren hopped off as well, his long legs bending as he landed with impact to his feet.

"You just want to see me go spastic and shit don't you?"

Eren nodded once again, another gentle smile complacent.

"Seeing you lose your composure is worth it."

"Wow you're finally telling me your true motives."

I pull my cell out, leaning into Eren's taller form before hooking my arm around the back of his neck.

"Smile."

I compress my nose into his cheek, my peripheral still eyeing the camera while he performed the simple command.

I then release, typing with utter speed along my twitter feed.

Looking forward to seeing my boy in Infinite Humiliation xoxo

"You really like taking pictures Levi don't you."

"It's fan service for our lovely FANS."

"Then why do you sound so disgruntled when saying fans?"

"It's called advertisement Eren, I'm giving our LOYAL fans what they want."

"You're doing it again." Eren called me out.

"Come here."

Eren's eyes are full of wonder and curiosity again while following my simple command.

I attatch my phone to my phone stick.

_Yes a phone stick_

_I'm that fucking committed_

I hook my arm underneath his, my hands curving over his forearm before clenching to his puffer coat sleeve. My head lays against his shoulder, tranquil my features fell.

"Eren."

"Huh?"'

I simply snap another picture of us, Eren looking cute as ever.

Being escorted by this gentleman here to YUM YUM PHO.

"You're really committed to this kind of stuff aren't you?" Eren simply asked, unfazed and unbothered by the recent pictures that were being taken of him.

"You should get one too."

"Get what?"

"You know Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and shit."

"I have Facebook but I only go on there to watch funny videos, and stuff. Oh but Instagram has cool pictures too."

"Having anonymous accounts on both with a Jonny Depp Icon doesn't count."

_Eren had an underlying obsession and admiration for Jonny fucking Depp_

_Fuck that guy_

"Eren you should be monetizing yourself. Your looks and talent should be getting splattered across social media."

"Hmm but social media isn't really my thing."

"You'll understand when you're older."

"Shouldn't my talent be enough?"

"Sadly fans are fickle beings Eren."

"Then they were never really fans to begin with...."

_Fuck those honest and tenacious eyes_

_Fuck_

_me_

I reach out to his cheeks, forming compression to the point where they puffed out from each side.

"Eren if you're committed to this role you also should understand that our success factor of this drama is our unspoken chemistry, more than written scripts and even your sensational skills as an actor."

"I know it's upsetting but that's just how it is."

"Maybe I shouldn't have ever gotten into show business..." His eyes lowered, defeated almost. 

"Eren---"

"Just kidding." Full blown teeth exposed themselves as his smile was now brightly displayed.

My eyebrows relaxed from the previous scrunch.

"Was sour puss actually worried about me?" Eren simply asked, tone of neither teasing, just relatively normal.

_Yupp sour puss_

_Thats apparently my nick name he has given me_

_Cute right?_

_Sighs eternally..._

The fact that he doesn't even tease me with it but just naturally calls it out like breathing.

It's oddly... disappointing.

At least if he'd tease me I'd feel some flirtatious boundary I could possibly teeter or cross.

@Imadisgustingfujoshi Did you see their picture together holy fucking shit I could just die now!!!

@Yorknewcity Fuck I want them to kiss, so fucking close just a little more!

@Tittsforfriends Aww did you see the xoxo, that is just fucking precious.

@Yesyesyes I know right he's so proud of his work hubby XD

@Moshi moshi uh oh I see a future ship war coming....

@Godisgay inhales, exhales this picture has inspired me! I'm going to write a fan fiction about this shit, Eren will be pregnant and Levi will be his doting work hubby, both working successful actors!

_Hmm Good girl_

_Keep em coming_

_Everyone is happy as I thought_

_Fickle beings really will latch onto anything_

"Pho, Pho, Pho, Pho, Pho." Eren was in his own little world, doing the fucking robot and sliding moon walks and God knows what else those moves were.

"Looks like we made it."

"Pho!" Eren pointed with much vigor. "I will eat all the Pho this town has to offer!" His voice profound with prowess and well... loud which caused bustling commotion for a good few minutes as he proceeded with his bantering love for Pho.

But I just let him be

I honestly love when he does weird, oddball shit like this

It keeps me on my toes

"Happy now?" I smirk, watching Eren hovering over his bowl, sipping its contents and sucking the mounds of noodles down his throat.

"Hn." He nodded, his expression child like.

I rest my chin on my hand, unknowingly doting and studying.

"Levi aren't you going to eat yours?"

"Yeah."

"Cause ugh... if you don't finish it I'll take that shit home with me."

"That's gross."

"You know in South Korea its expectant to share food with others. Like if you bring a bag of nuts to work your expected to share with other coworkers."

Eren also enjoys telling me random facts

_It's too fucking cute_

"I'm not sharing they should have brought their own food."

"Yeah right? I would hide my food all the time."

"I guess we're both selfish bastards."

"Only when it comes to food." Eren reprimanded.

"Then I'm just a selfish bastard."

"But you buy my food all the time."

"That's because I'm older than you."

"Well I'm paying the tab today." Eren decided this wasn't up for debate.

"You pulling out of your allowance?"

"I brought cash with me actually."

He usually just ignores me when I try to provoke him

_What a fucking adult_

"Lava! Lava is on the floor and seats!"

_Fucking hell Eren_

I hike my legs on top of the restaurant tabling, while Eren had to go and be all fucking creative and shit and dashed with pumping arms to the very back wall where a bar hung for decor to lay their colored cloths on.

He grabbed with both hands, hanging like they were monkey bars while knees were hiked to his chest.

_A reminder to give them a really hefty tip after this_

Mounds of customers gawked with most coming to a realization of who we were.

People grabbed their phones, snapping away while flashes concurred with some as well.

_I take it back_

_Eren's a fucking manchild_

I could see even our waiter coming over to bring us our boba tea smoothies, his eyes lament on my combat boots pressing into the eating table area.

I sigh pulling out a 20 dollar bill before handing it to him, bringing my finger up towards my lips, he smiled at the greenery nodding before placing both smoothies to the very table next to ours.

Eren plopped back down, heading back towards our table, he threw himself in, proceeding to eat as if nothing out of the ordinary had just fucking happened.

"Well that was creative." I noted.

"Thanks I've been trying to challenge myself lately."

"Well its paying off, that's for sure."

"Um excuse me, Im really sorry to bother you but do you mind if I take a picture with you." Her eyes swayed to the both of us unsurely but she was asking politely nonetheless.

"Sure!" Eren's charismatic demeanor pulled.

He instantly stood up waiting for the younger woman to pull her phone out.

"I-I was wondering if I could get both..." Her cheeks ran rapid and pink.

I also simply stood. "Sure."

Once she pulled her phone out Eren leaned in, snaking his arm around the entirety of her back and shoulder. His cheek compressing slightly as well.

"Is this alright?" Eren precautions to not make her feel uncomfortable of any sort.

"I-I'm okay!" Her eyes elated, her hands beginning to shake from the mere proximity.

I swear her nose would bleed out any second, and her eyes morphing into the shape of fucking hearts.

I also join in from the other side, copying Eren's exact proximity.

She raised her camera, her phone unable to find it's balance.

"Here let me take it for you sweetie."

Tch, Eren always called his adorning fans cute nicknames like sweetie or sweetheart. He was always a little too overly nice to them for my liking.

But that's who Eren was

He was just a really sweet and earnest kid.

"Thank you." She shyly spoke.

Eren then snapped our picture seamlessly, a brilliant smile from him and a half assed one from me, the usual.

We both slid are arms away, my hands complacent on my hips while Eren hovered over her somewhat.

"Is it good?"

"It... it's perfect." She ladled her cheek into her palm as if she were caught in a whimsical dream.

"Thank you so much!"

Eren smiled pinching her cheek while I patted for her head.

_This sent her over the fucking edge._

_This chick literally just pulled her inhaler out._

"Are you okay?" Eren leaned even closer, clearly unaware that he was the cause for this girl's erratic breathing pattern to begin with. Well maybe it was both of us together.

_Yeah it was definitely the latter_

"I'll be alright, thank you." She shied away, her cheeks flushed as she clutched her hand to her chest.

I pulled out an unopened water bottle from my bag handing it to her. Her eyes gaped.

"I-I can't possibly take that but thank you."

"Take it, you need it more than I do."

"Yeah you should definitely take it, Levi's usually a selfish bastard so that makes you special."

"I always treat my fans special." I reiterate like his fucking echo.

"Thank you!" She grasped the bottle within her grasp and her eyes swaying from him to me.

"I'll treasure this moment forever and ever."

She slightly bowed for some odd reason before waving off, thanking us and nearly squealing once she had returned to her group of friends.

"You've been much better with fans Levi. I remember when the first season of Attack on Titan blew up you were extremely unapproachable."

"It wasn't intentional, I just have a resting bitch face."

"Even the majority of the staff were pretty intimidated by you except Erwin and Hanji."

"And you." I add.

"You weren't fazed by me at all. You would casually walk up to me and spout off random facts of what causes stunt growth at young ages."

"It was the first thing I could think of when I saw you." He tilted his head.

"Of fucking course it was."

And once people saw Eren babbling off to me about random shit during staff lunch breaks others started conversing with me as well.

"You're still my good luck charm, fans aren't afraid to approach you with that bedazzled smile of yours."

"Really? I thought it was your expression that has softened somewhat actually." Eren went into thought.

"Really?"

"Hn." He nodded.

"Maybe..." I mumbled lowly.

Eren and I eventually grabbed our smoothies before I pulled for my wallet, resulting in Eren slapping at my palm in front of lady at the counter, laughing at our little banters of who should pay.

Eren won due to his long ass fucking arm reaching the woman's hand first.

 _Note to self, have them keep my card next time BEFORE we eat_.

"By the way congratulations on the new movie."

"Huh? Oh has the announcement already leaked?"

"I'm offended that I had to find out like everyone else."

"Sorry, I was told to strictly not tell anyone." He slapped both hands together like a prayer, head pressing against them while eyes squeezed together.

"I'm not just anyone, I can keep a secret."

"Hmm..." He tilted his once again. "I guess so..."

"You guess? I can totally keep a fucking secret. Besides who would I even tell?"

"Erwin...."

"I really wasn't..." I gave him the driest look I could concur.

"Oh."

"Next time tell me."

"Okay."

"When will you start shooting?"

"Right after the last episode of Lucid airs. So around the end of May."

"And that also explains why we're shooting later for the next season than usual."

"Yeah Hanji was able to convince the networks to have us air a month later because of my schedule."

I only hummed before we finally headed to our condo.

_Well not ours_

Eren and I are actually next door neighbors. Since we are both originated from over seas we made a deal to live close by one another.

Or manly because Eren was really fucking nervous and not very confident in his English.

_I know fucking adorable right?_

Since it was just the two of us who came to venture North America after being sought after.

Erwin was also hired within the states during our second season of Attack On Titan which is currently airing. He had even called me ecstatic and asking if we wanted to become roommates until he was able to find a place of his own.

We entered the main lobby, the woman at the front desk greeting us as always.

"Welcome Mr. Jaeger and Mr. Ackerman."

"Hi." Eren greeted like a young happy child.

I nodded with acknowledgement, us both now entering the elevator.

"When is Erwin moving in?" Eren randomly asked while playing with the many of buttons.

"The end of this month actually. And stop touching all the buttons."

"You must be excited having Erwin coming along, its like having a grown up sleepover."

"So we can paint our nails and gossip about cosmo? No thanks, I don't think two grown ass men have these "sleepovers" that you speak of."

"But It would be so much fun, you can have movie nights and pillow fights, talk about your day before you go to sleep, you know... I kind of feel left out now, we should have a manly fort sleepover once Erwin arrives."

"That's... really gay Eren."

_Even for me_

"That was not nice Levi." Eren's eyes went dry. Shaking his head with disapproval.

"I'm not having some girly ass sleeping over with some big ass tree. Just imagining Erwin in his pj's kicking his big ass feet with his big ass fuzzy slippers like some giddy school girl terrifies me. Besides Erwin would never be down for something like that."

\---------

"I'm totally down for that."

_Huh?_

"Erwin you're really fucking hilarious aren't you."

"I'm so excited I've never been to a sleepover before." Erwin's giddy chuckles sent disgusting chills down my spine.

"Erwin... you know we're three grown ass men, having a platonic sleepover right?"

"What's wrong with that?"

"It's starting to sound like some fucking polygamist orgy. Thats what I mean by that!"

"Levi... why are you yelling?"

_What in the fuck is wrong with everyone?_

"I've actually cooped up a few recipes I've been dying to try. Here me out." Erwin said excitedly.

"Oreo.... chocolate chip.... and vanilla buttercream icing , wait for it..... with white breading for the cupcakes."

"..... Erwin, I can't believe you actually want to do this." My voice monotoned and losing every touch of fucking reality that I thought I new.

"I'll bring the moscato." Erwin chimed.

"Erwin for the straight laced man that you are, you are really fucking gay."

"Levi... that wasn't nice of you to say."

_I've seen some gay_

_My big cock being stuffed inside Eren_

_His nice lengthy cock ramming the shit out of me_

_Sixty fucking nine-ing, deep throat I might add_

_Me being written as some wanton helpless maiden, gang banged by the fucking survey corps_

_And Eren becoming my little bitch, blind folded, gagged, with chains and whoops galore_

_Even impregnating Eren with my well endowed seed_

_But this_

_This has got to be the GAYEST thing I have ever lived to see come into fruition._

_Eren fucking Jaeger_

_I thought he was a little odd_

_Maybe a little tinker missing here and there_

_But Eren Jaeger is definitely unusual, a fucking weirdo_

\-------

To be continued.... In chapter 2: IN A WORLD WHERE NO ONE IS INTIMIDATED BY LEVI FUCKING ACKERMAN

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi: Breaks fourth wall
> 
> What are you still doing here?
> 
> Yeah I'm talking to you.
> 
> Chapter two isn't out yet
> 
> Why are you still waisting your time reading this?
> 
> I'm done for today
> 
> Go away
> 
> Fine keep reading this and waisting your time
> 
> I'm not going to do anything amazing 
> 
> Fine I don't give a shit if you stay like that
> 
> Stop staring at me
> 
> Fine I'll just leave then....
> 
> Im leaving now
> 
> Im going away
> 
> Right now
> 
> Im never coming back
> 
> Fuck this


End file.
